;

;

Have you ever wondered if people feel the same way about you as you do about them? Cause I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

There are a few people I really, truly love in life, besides my family. My friends mean the world to me but I’ve been wondering if they feel the same way about me. I wanna pour myself into certain people but it may be too much for them. How do you know when you shouldn’t cross certain lines?

And, vice versa. I mean, it’s as if some people feel more for me than I do for them. I just can’t be bothered with certain people.

The other day Ivan told me he bought me a present for my birthday. That it’s something I probably won’t need or use but that’s what makes it so amazing. I told him I don’t want anything and he said he already has it. It’s too late. Then he laughed and walked away. We haven’t been talking much lately. We haven’t been talking at all lately, in fact. Random ‘hello’s’ in the morning when we see each other in the living room or kitchen. I don’t say goodnight to anyone. I just go to my room.

I’m done reaching out to people. I’m done with people I have nothing in common with. I’m done trying so hard. I’m just doing what I want to do right now. Hanging out with people I actually want to see. Doing my own thing.

Things changed drastically when Sam left. I miss him terribly. I’ll get over it eventually. It’s just taking me some time. I felt like we had a connection. Just as friends though. When we tried the romantic thing, it was just for fun. We were so much better as friends.

Sometimes people can’t be replaced. I’ll move on, though.

I’ve been stressing myself out with things that I shouldn’t be stressing out so much about. It’ll be worth it in the long run. I’m completely assured of that.

I don’t know what I’m going to do once I leave Bekasi. I know teaching is not for me. I need another outlet. I’m terrible with grammar. I’m horrible at explaining things properly. I give my students answers, instead of explaining it in full detail for them. I feel bad for whoever has my classes once I’m gone. They’re going to have issues!

I don’t know what I’m actually good at! I can make people laugh. I have fun with my kids, for the most part. But, having fun and making jokes is not an actual skill I can use in a job. It makes life easier but I need to search for my actual skills, things I’m good at! I don’t know what that is…

I still have four and a halfish months left. It’ll go by in a blur.

I need to breathe and maybe this will eventually become clear for me.

Maybe I’ll figure it out in time…

Been a while…

So much shit has gone down that I don’t even know where to start. So, I’ll just write about last night and random musings.

Maj and Mairi had a pot luck. I thought it would suck but I had a lot of fun. It was brilliant. Got trashed and showed everyone how to hip drop. Fuckin’ ace.

I’m at the Internet Cafe and I totally wanna steal this coaster. It would make a great addition to our home.

So, there’s this guy Tom that I had a night with and nothing since then. But, ohhh he’s so cute! Gorgeous, actually. My rad house mate, Jade plays field hockey on his team so I’m hoping she’ll bring him out on Saturday cause we’re going to hang out at Pete’s friend’s place in J-Town. Should be a good night.

I am fucking spent from last night. I only had four beers but I was wasted. I couldn’t sleep when we got home. Ridonkulous.

I really want a cuddle buddy! Dammit.

Sam’s gone and it’s in my hands to start drama. I have six more months of good times in Jakarta.

And after that, who knows what?!

Life is good.

bekasi blues

i’m still in a weird mood. (and the caps on this keyboard is fucked.)

don’t really know what to do anymore.

here’s the situation on the home front;

five roomies. and then, leanne…oh, y’know, sam’s fuck buddy and kate’s practically bff now, always comes over for the whole fuckin’ weekend. crowded as fuck house! i escaped to amanda’s friday night. her house mate, caedmon is in the hospital with dengue, poor boy. maj (amanda) and i drank, ate snacks and gossiped the night away. the next day she felt super sick, was vomitting. tidak bagus. sarah came over and i went to get groceries with her, we came back and made a stirfry while maj slept. maj was still feeling sick and didn’t want to eat. sarah and i took off to her place where she took a shower and gave me some clothes! she’s leaving in a few weeks to go back to ireland. upsetting! she came over to bekasi and leanne, kate and ivan (pete3) were at home. pete was out with his new lady friend. sam and michelle were watching transformers. i made chickpea masala and we all drank. got really drunk. played with sam’s remote controlled helicopter, crashed it a few times, made the girls giggle. told sam when he got home and he gave me a reallllllyyyy disapproving look. we haven’t talked like…at all since i’ve been home. it’s been kinda weird for me. actually, i did cut his hair a couple times at one in the am when everyone else was asleep. insomnia, much? but then when other people are around, we don’t really talk. i don’t know why.

and it’s fucking weird waking up and seeing leanne come out of his room and ugh. i need to get over this boy! fuck.

it seems as if everyone else has their fuck buddies. leanne and sam. kate and random boys she meets when they go out. pete and his new lady friend. michelle and her hubby.

i feel a little outa the loop. i have no gossip. ever. i just wanna go out and have fun with random people. i’m pretty sick of all these familiar faces. blahblahblah.

and this rant is over…for now…